Renka

12:54 pm: It may have been her eating disorder that killed her not suicide. pondering...

07:01 am: I can't believe she is gone...I dont know what to do.

07:48 pm: and your point is?
I fucking tired of people telling me to suck it up! or that's how the world works, get over it!

I do suck it up. I keep a lot of things in. I let a lot of things slide. I am often told that I keep too much in and in the same breath I hear, suck it up!?!?

I am so not amuzed right now.

03:02 am: problem
My problem- I really really really want people to just tell me how to live life. I would like answers to all problems that arise...I know childish. I live that way. It is more frustrating than helpful but comfortable nontheless. I hate the possiblity of making the wrong decision, so I make no decision at all. take for instance my car. I just got it back from my parents. I left it at their house because it wouldn't start when I got back from chicago and needed to drive back to my apartment (I asked my dad to drive me home).My car scares the crap out of me. I went to go run some errands after getting my car back and the hood starts smoking.

possibilities I have come up with for handling the situation-

1. go into my savings (which I would like to keep in savings to be able to pay for a wedding in the future) and buy a used car

2. sell my car and go carless for aawhile (i.e. bum rides from friends and ride the bus)

3. go have the car fixed (speedometer, radiator, tires, and whatever makes it be picky about when it wants to start)

none of these are particularly appealing. the second sounds most promising but I do work a couple of miles away and I need to research the bus route to see if it is feasible. I dont however like asking for things, rides to the store being one of those...

this is what makes life exciting right? this is what makes you appreciate things and one day different from the other. plus more than one thing happens in day to make them all completely different from one another...

12:49 pm: I have a hard time with nothing to do. I want to be by myself. I need some "me" time. However, it is incredibly hard to do. I am freaking out about not having things to freak out about. I figure that maybe freaking out will trigger some reminder of things I need to do. then I will do them. ah...it's the nagging feeling that I have a million things to do that bothers me.

School is starting soon. While I am excited to have things to worry and complain about, annoying plenty of those around me thus making me feel like a pain...I feel like I need more time. My mind maketh no sense.

Is it wrong that I am slightly perturbed by people reading the bible word for word to one another at a coffee shop. They aren't even discussing it's like morbid story time. it is sudnday though...

12:09 pm: merry christmas everyone! I care so much about you all.

10:02 am: happy birthday lady e

11:18 am: if you are in college, you should join www.thefacebook.com...it's so addictive. wait maybe you can join without having to be in college. you get to see where people from your high shcool are now and such. it gets old until someone you haven't seen in awhile says hi.

I hope everyone is taking care of themselves. even though I have been pretty shitty about being in contact with everyone, you all are in my thoughts always.